3 Hadiths Which Are Often Misconstrued by Perpetrators of Domestic Violence

This article is part of the Religious Guidance on ‘Domestic Violence From The Islamic Perspective’. Read the full version here.

Apart from stemming from aspects of attitude and personality, family violence is often influenced by the confusion in understanding religious texts. Some hadith are often used to justify violence or discourage the victims from fighting for their rights. Such confusions usually stem from ignoring the proper methodology in understanding the content of the hadith.

In line with the function of the Prophet s.a.w. as the explainer of the Qur’an, hadith must always be understood in line with the principles of the Qur’an.^[1] The Qur’an states that the main purpose of marriage is to create tranquility, love and mercy. 

Moreover, from the previous explanation, we understand that rude and violent conducts are contrary to the main purpose of marriage which aims to produce tranquility, love and mercy. Thus, all marriage-related hadith and interactions between husband and wife must be understood in line with all the principles above.

Prostrating before the Husband 

Some husbands justify violence with the hadith that commanded the wives to prostrate before the husbands. According to some understanding, this hadith shows that the husband has the power to do anything to the wife. The hadith was narrated through several narrations that contain defects. The strongest chain was narrated by al-Timirdhi through Muhammad bin ‘Amr from Abu Salamah from Abu Hurairah where the Prophet s.a.w. said:

Meaning: If I can command a human being to prostrate to another human being, I will surely command a wife to prostrate to her husband.^[2] (At-Timirdhi evaluated this hadith as ‘hasan gharib’)

At a glance, this hadith seems to indicate that the wife’s status is no more than that of a slave or a mercenary. This view is of course incorrect and is not in line with the principles of the Qur’an which state that the husband and wife complement each other,^[3] the husband as a leader who ensures the well-being of the family^[4] while the wife helps and supports the husband in navigating life.^[5] Therefore, this hadith cannot be understood separately from other hadith of the same theme.

This hadith is actually just one episode from a series of advice from the Prophet s.a.w. to husbands and wives. With this hadith, Rasulullah s.a.w. seems to educate both couples to appreciate their partner. The wife must show respect to her husband as he must provide for all her necessities. In this way, the marriage will be filled with love and harmony.^[6]

This hadith must be accompanied by various other hadith that contain reminders about the various responsibilities that must be shouldered by the husband. In addition to alimony and dowry, a wife’s rights are treated with gentleness and respect. Mu‘awiyah bin Haydah once asked: O Messenger of Allah s.a.w., what is the right of the wife to us? The Prophet s.a.w. replied: ‘You must feed her what you eat. You must dress her when you dress. Do not hit her face, do not tell her that she is ugly; and do not isolate her except in the house.’^[7] Besides that, the Prophet s.a.w. also taught the husband to be patient with his wife and always show a gentle attitude towards her. The Prophet s.a.w. said: The best of man is the one with the noblest conduct. And the best among you is the one who is the best to his wife.”^[8]

Although it is obligatory to obey the husband, the obedience is limited to issues that are permitted by religion. If the husband orders his wife to do something illegal or immoral, then the wife has the right to ignore his order. The Prophet s.a.w. said: “There is no obedience to any creation if it involves disobedience to Allah.”^[9] Siti Aisyah r.a. narrated that one day an Ansar woman came to the Prophet s.a.w. She said that her husband had asked her to put extensions on her hair. The Prophet s.a.w. said: “Allah curses the person who extends the hair and the one who seeks.”^[10] Ibn Hajar said: “If the husband invites her to commit immorality, then the wife can refuse. If the husband punishes her for her refusal, then he is sinful.”^[11]

The Angel curses the wife who refuses the husband’s invitation

Some husbands use this hadith for their personal gain. The hadith was narrated by Abu Hurairah that the Prophet s.a.w. said:

Meaning: When a husband calls his wife to bed, but she refuses to come until he is angry, the angels curse her until morning.^[12]

According to a narration by Muslim: For the sake of whom my sole is in His hands, it is not a husband who calls his wife to bed but he rejects her except those who are in heaven are angry with her until her husband forgives her.^[13]

The authenticity of both the hadith above have been verified by scholars of hadith. These hadith generally emphasized the right of the husband which must be fulfilled by the wife. There is no disagreement among the scholars that the wife is forbidden to refuse her husband’s invitation to bed. Ibn Abi Jamrah relates this hadith to the reality that, unlike women, men are not able to resist lust. When sexual desire arises, this need will continue to disturb his mind until it is channeled in a halal manner.^[14]

Regarding this matter, another hadith mentions: “Verily, a woman appears in the form of the devil, and turns away in its form. If one of you sees a woman and is attracted to her, then approach your wife. Surely she possesses everything that the woman has.”^[15] “A woman appearing in the form of the devil” means looking at a beautiful woman can arouse lust in the hearts of men.^[16]

However, the rights of the husband mentioned in this hadith relate to his obligations in providing dowry and maintenance. The scholars have agreed that a wife has a right to refuse her husband’s invitation on the first night when she has not received the promised dowry.^[17] Likewise, if the husband fails to provide maintenance, then the wife has the right not to serve him and can even demand fasakh. Abu Ishaq al-Shirazi said: ‘When a husband fails to provide maintenance, but his wife chooses to remain with him, then she is not obliged to give her body for intercourse. She is also allowed to leave the house (without his permission). This is because the surrender of her body is in return for sustenance. Therefore, this matter is not obligatory when there is no maintenance.”^[18]

The hadith also does not mean that the wife has to obey her husband unconditionally. It needs to be understood with the principles of the Qur’an as well as other marital-related hadith. As previously mentioned, the Qur’an, together with the hadith, teaches couples to be kind to each other. The husband is also instructed to be kind and gentle with his wife. Hence, harshness towards the wife such as forcing her while she is weak and unwell is contrary to the principles and teachings of the Qur’an and the sunnah of the Prophet s.a.w. The Prophet s.a.w. also said:^[19]

Meaning: Let none of you cane his wife as he canes a slave and then mixes with his wife at night.

In this hadith, the Prophet s.a.w. prohibited the husband from abusing his wife physically, or emotionally and mentally, and then invite the wife. The husband needs to take care of his wife’s well-being so that she will be ready to be with him. 

Similarly, husbands and wives need to strengthen the understanding between them. Wives need to understand their responsibilities to satisfy their husbands’ needs. At the same time, husbands need to be sensitive and understand the needs and conditions of their wives. For example, if the wife is burdened with the task of managing the house and the children alone, or she has to manage the children and work at the same time, then the husband needs to understand her physical and emotional exhaustion. In this case, he needs to help her to be physically and emotionally ready to be together. The husband can take care of the children and follow the sunnah of the Prophet s.a.w. who helped manage the housework.

Divorce leads to Allah’s Wrath 

Some victims of domestic violence refuse to fight for their rights because they do not want to be the cause of divorce. Moreover, there is a hadith narrated by Muharib bin Dithar that condemns divorce where Rasulullah s.a.w. said:

Meaning: There is nothing halal that Allah hates more than divorce.^[20]

Another hadith from Thawban mentioned that the Prophet s.a.w. said: “Any wife who asks for a divorce from her husband without a valid reason, then she will not get the fragrance of paradise.”^[21]

Indeed divorce is unpopular as it has heavy implications on the husband, wife and children. A married couple, therefore, should avoid divorce as much as they can. However, when there is no other alternative to improve the situation, then divorce is the best solution so that both parties can get out of the problems they faced and continue to lead better lives. In fact, when the husband does not fulfill his responsibilities and abuses his wife, Islam allows the wife to seek divorce.

There are those in the community who view wives who seek divorce as nusyuz or rebellious. This is despite the fact that in Islam there is a choice of khulu’ or request for divorce from the wife. The majority of scholars are of the view that the law of khulu’ should be a solution to disputes that occur between husbands and wives. A wife may no longer be able to live with her husband for various reasons relating to his physic, behavior and lifestyle. Islam provides an avenue for the wife to break free from the marriage bond through khulu’ to ward off harm from herself by returning the dowry she received from her husband.^[22] When a wife asks for a divorce and is willing to return the dowry, the husband is encouraged to grant the request. 

The proof for this lies in Allah’s words:

Meaning: “Divorce may be retracted twice, then the husband must retain his wife with honour or separate from her with grace. It is not lawful for husbands to take back anything of the dowry given to their wives, unless the couple fears not being able to keep within the limits of Allah. So if you fear they will not be able to keep within the limits of Allah, there is no blame if the wife compensates the husband to obtain divorce. These are the limits set by Allah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah, they are the true wrongdoers.” (Al-Baqarah 2:229)

In addition, there is a hadith narrated by Ibn ‘Abbas: One day, the wife of Thabit bin Qays came to the Prophet s.a.w. and told him that she did not love her husband. The Prophet s.a.w. granted her wish to part with her husband after she agreed to return her dowry.^[23]

Therefore, husbands or wives facing marital problems are advised to refer their issues to experts such as asatizah for religious guidance and counsellors to resolve the tension and conflict. 

Read the full version of the religious guidance here.

[1] Regarding the importance of comparing the content of the hadith with the Qur’an please refer to Yusuf al-Qaradawi, Kayfa Nata’amal ma’ al-Sunnah al-Nabawiyyah (Kaherah: Dar al-Shuruq, 2002), 113.

[2] Hadith narrated by al-Tirmidhi, Kitab al-Raḍā‘, no. 1079.

[3] Al-Baqarah 2:187.

[4] Al-Nisaa 4:34.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Said Ramadan al-Buti, al-Mar’ah bayna Tughyan al-nizam al-gharbi wa lata’if al-tashri’ al-rabbani (Damsyik: Dar al-Fikr al-Mu’asir, 2005), 180.

[7] Hadith narrated by Ibn Majah, Kitab al-Nikah, no. 1850.

[8] Hadith narrated by al-Tirmidhi, Riyad al-Salihin, Kitab al-Muqaddimat, no.627.

[9] Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari, Kitab Akhbar al-Ahad, no. 7257. Muslim, Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Imarah, no. 1840a.

[10] Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari, Kitab al-Libas, no.5940. Hadith narrated by Muslim, Kitab al-Libas wa al-Zinah, no.2122a.

[11] Ahmad bin ‘Ali bin Hajar al-‘Asqalani, Fath al-Bari bi Sharh Sahih al-Bukhari (Beirut: Dar al-Ma’rifah, tt.), 9:304.

[12] Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari, Kitab al-Nikah, no.5193. Hadith narrated by Muslim, Kitab al-Nikah, no. 1436d.

[13] Hadith narrated by Muslim, Kitab Al-Nikah, no.1436c.

[14] Ahmad bin ‘Ali bin Hajar al-‘Asqalani, Fath al-Bari bi Sharh Sahih al-Bukhari, (Kaherah: Dar al-Rayyan li al-Turath, 1987), 9:205-206.

[15] Hadith narrated by Muslim, Kitab al-Nikah, no. 1403a.

[16] ‘Abd al-Ra’ūf al-Munawi, Fayḍ al-Qadīr Sharḥ al-Jāmi‘ al-Ṣaghīr, (Beirut: Dar al-Kutub al-‘Ilmiyyah, 1994).

[17] Wahbah al-Zuhayli, al-Fiqh al-Islami wa Adillatuh (Damsyik: Dar al-Fikr al-Mu’asir, 1984), 9:6793.

[18] Abu Ishaq Al-Shirazi, Al-Muhadhab, (Beirut: Dar al-Kutub al-Islamiyyah), 3:155.

[19] Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari, Kitab al-Nikah, no. 138.

[20] Hadith narrated by Abu Daud, Kitab al-Talak, no. 2178.

[21] Hadith narrated by Abu Daud, Kitab al-Talak, no. 2226. Hadith narrated by al-Tirmidhi, Kitab al-Talak wa al-Li‘an ‘an Rasulillah s.a.w., no. 1187.

[22] Wahbah Zuhayli, al-Fiqh al-Islami wa Adillatuh, 9:7009.

[23] Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari, Mishkat al-Misbah, Kitab al-Nikah, no. 3274.

MARRIAGE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE